By Darah Schillinger, written June 2021
In her first full-length collection, Big Feelings (from Game Over Books, a Boston-based publisher of marginalized voices), Gigi Bella creates a place of understanding—a place for her audience to relate to something bigger than themselves—by coupling raw honesty with down-to-earth humor that together elevates the soul. Though her poems embody unapologetic womanhood, Big Feelings celebrates the vulnerable alongside the feminine, acknowledging that vulnerability comes with the uncertainty and struggle that defines our narratives.
The book’s story begins in the acknowledgments, where she writes:
“the world is always ending but somehow it’s weirdly never all the way over. we only have each other & our stories & our reckless dreams. we are all just a big tangled ball of our big big feelings.”
The language of apocalypse reflects the unprecedented times the world has lived through and the resilience of humanity, immediately emphasizing the importance of storytelling and understanding one another. Her thank-you(s) comfort the soul, presenting as a thick page of genuine, poetic connection that guides us into the stories she tells in a way that politely invites us to listen.
A ghost metaphor defines the early poems of Big Feelings, appearing and disappearing whenever the speaker needs a way to describe the transparent identity of a person who feels as if “something used to be there but [they] can’t find it anymore” (11). Ghost girl is an alter-ego that the poem’s speaker uses when the weight of feelings becomes overwhelming, and it isn’t until the ghost becomes a solid, living person that the speaker replaces ghosts with the idea of living for better reasons. The speaker “evaporate(s) into the ghost that they have made [her] into” (11), but then replaces that image of death with all the reasons she has to live, such as taking care of a street kitten, staying to love someone else who deserves it, or even living just to prove to others that you can.
In the poem, “ode to ducky the bodega kitten,” the speaker sees herself in the kitten’s life in the “big trash city,” which reminds her “that / feeling small / only means that i am / so so alive” (14). Taking care of the kitten seems to be the first significant step from the speaker’s ghost identity, realizing that her own survival of the things that make her feel invisible is what makes living worthwhile. In the poem, “twitter sestina for suicidal ideation,” the speaker shifts from kitten to romantic partner, describing love as “just staying when you could be anywhere” (29). Choosing to leave the comfort of her ghost persona to be present for her partner is synonymous with love—a selfless reason for remaining alive. Bella parallels the speaker’s relationship with that of Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson as a recognizable allusion to what she has experienced with her partner while also drawing attention to the time and care needed when loving someone struggling with mental health. Pete and Ariana make several appearances throughout the book, acting as a familiar connection between the speaker’s partner, and the public relationship of two people that she sees an aspect of her relationship in.
The speaker then shifts to a funnier reason for living rooted in her ethnicity, where she asks, “isn’t that the most mexican thing? staying alive when it feels like no one wants you to?” (41) The speaker finds humor in her Great-Aunt Esperanza’s determination to outlive her sister, identifying her stubbornness with her identity as a Mexican woman. She uses the stereotypes attributed to her identity to make a point about living as defiance, a message that carries with her throughout the book. The speaker’s ethnic identity is a cohesive part of the joy she has found in living, as seen in the poem, “lessons i learned from selena”:
bedazzle until your brown is so loud, you can sew it into a dress
my grandmother is frida kahlo, molded into hospital bed and we are surviving and we are alive
These recognitions of the connection between defiance and ethnicity seem to tie into the speaker’s will to live, proving her point of living in spite of feeling as though others don’t want you to. The ghost image is a visual reminder of the speaker’s discomfort with the complexity of emotions, but the language of living for others and in spite of others overpowers any comfort one may find in fading away.
Big Feelings also discusses abuse and assault in a way that helps readers who are victims feel understood while simultaneously educating those who may not understand the severity or impact of the trauma that victims go through. In the poem, “FROM MY EX,” the speaker capitalizes the entire poem to make the distinction that it is a new, more aggressive speaker, and writes, “I NEVER HIT YOU / ONLY CALLED YOU WASTED” (20). The language used is obviously verbally abusive, yet the new speaker ironically defends himself by stating that he was never physically abusive and therefore a “GOOD MAN” (20). Bella adds this poem to show the ways people can manipulate their partners and abuse them even without physical confrontation, sharing these experiences to show others what non-physical abuse can sound like. In “[good screams//bad screams],” the speaker opens up about her sexual assault and the lasting trauma that comes with it, running sentences and words together to visually represent the confusion and emotional disorientation that victims may feel in the aftermath. The speaker immediately calls
out the subject’s performative feminism, saying (34):
“. . .when you vote or post on facebook about women’s rights or think about your mom & your sister i want you to remember my face”
She brings to our attention the contrast between saying, posting, or writing about feminism, and having actual, genuine respect for women, two things that look the same but are vastly different in practice. Claiming to support women or minorities is not enough to make one a feminist, and Bella’s ability to recognize that performance and call it out so others can learn and grow from it while remaining so vibrantly honest and vulnerable with her audience makes her an incredible advocate for victims and herself.
Bella has taken the time to write from a place of personal struggle and shared it with the world to help others feel seen, having used pop culture and religious imagery to reflect the kind of modern storytelling deserving of a modern audience. Between the blazing social critiques, discussions of violence against women, and the draining reality of mental health struggles, Big Feelings has solidified itself as a space of understanding for those who feel invisible, reminding us to embrace those uncomfortable feelings we’re so reluctant to discuss. Thanks to Bella, we can all feel the same big feelings with the turn of a page.
Bella, Gigi. Big Feelings. Game Over Books, 2020.
Darah Schillinger is a rising senior at St. Mary’s College of Maryland studying English Literature with a double minor in Creative Writing and Philosophy. She previously interned for the literary magazine EcoTheo Review in summer 2020 and has had poetry published in her school literary journal, AVATAR, and in the Spillwords Press Haunted Holidays series for 2020. Darah currently lives in Perry Hall, Maryland with her parents and in her free time she likes to write poetry and paint.
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